It's almost February. How are your New Year's resolutions panning out? Have you given up already? Have you decided not to participate? Ha, trick question: that's a resolution, too! Hedge your bets and resolve to do something that cannot fail! The Magick Sandwich New Year's Diet, soon to be endorsed by Dr. Oz* (*through the mathematical probability that everything will eventually be monetized by Dr. Oz), is the foolproof plan that will make you a winner. Just follow these simple steps:
1. Berate yourself about your weight, size, love handles, saddle bags, anything that makes you feel bad about yourself. This is essential for mental conditioning and can take weeks, months or years. Intensive carbo-loading is recommended during this training period.
2. Fill your Netflix queue with documentaries about the evils of processed
and/or fast foods and the conglomerates that peddle them. The titles must make you feel indignant and alarmed so you will never feel moved to actually watch them.
3. Switch from regular soda to diet. Promise yourself you'll switch to water and iced tea soon.
4. Get the latest WiiFit and Xbox Kinect fitness programs. TiVo The Biggest Loser. Worry that you don't feel morally superior enough when gawking at morbidly obese people on the street.
5. Buy some cute workout clothes and a pair of 1lb. dumbbells.
6. Join a gym, but not the same one as last year because the guy there might recognize you and you didn't like his attitude.
7. Buy Shape, Self or any other generic fitness magazine with a cover story that reads, "Why hard exercise may not be good for you" or "You won't believe how many calories you can burn just doing your daily routine." Skip pages depicting specific exercises. Too graphic.
8. Grow to resent these new things that seem to mock you more with each moment they remain unused. Throw them in the closet where you store your old skinny jeans and shelves full of yoga pants with the tags still on. Pretend your company has suddenly relocated you to Guam in order to get out of your gym membership.
9. Switch back to regular soda.
Success! After an appropriate interlude of smearing yourself in bacon grease, rolling around on a bed made of Big Macs and diving from a great height into a giant bucket of KFC, return to Step 1. It's the only diet you'll ever need because it never ends!
You're welcome.
Labels: diet, exercise, humor, kathcom, magick sandwich, magick sandwich diet, new year's resolutions, sarcasm