If you're like me, you've thought about the Rapture and come to the conclusion you're not going anywhere. Being Christian is no guarantee. God has chosen only 200 million of you to ride with Jesus to the great hereafter. That means 2 billion of you picked the wrong church. Where do I get these numbers? The Bible. (Actually, I got them from Bob.) See there? I didn't read the Bible and I just lied about it. I'm doomed.
Knowing that I'll be damned tomorrow is no excuse for inaction. The following is my Judgment Day backup plan.
1. Stay positive. Those of us left on Earth will be plagued by earthquakes, floods etc. Is that so different from a normal Saturday these days? If I die tomorrow in the first quake, I'll have no worries--unless Hell really exists, in which case I'm screwed. If we make it through the weekend, we'll move on to the next step.
2. Invest in real estate. Two words: empty church. I've got my eye on St. Patrick's. Well maintained by its previous owner, high square footage, cathedral ceilings....and that baptismal font will make a great punch bowl. (If you think I went too far with that last thing, you are in denial and clinging to a reverence that will not save you. You're damned! Snap out of it and have some fun!)
3. Get a Rapture-proof job. I harbor a Protestant work ethic. God knows, the world will be chock full of Protestants who need to keep busy. I've found the perfect career: post-Rapture pet sitting. The folks at Eternal Earth-Bound Pets match atheists with cats and dogs left behind by the righteous. Since pets have no souls no matter how many outfits they're forced to wear--and who'd want to poop scoop Heaven?--they're stuck here with us. Someone needs to care for them until October 21, 2011 when the earth is finally consumed by fire.
Finally, I'd like to leave you all with a few words of encouragement. Even if you'd paid attention in Sunday school, odds are you'd still be looking down the barrel of eternal damnation. Now go forth and cry no more for all is lost. Party at my place on Sunday! Bring ice.
More Judgment:
Jesus is Coming Soon. Really, Really Soon.
Labels: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, Harold Camping, Judgment Day, kathcom, magick sandwich, Rapture, stupid shit
