Paris Hilton should go to prison. Do you think that if you or I pled guilty to cocaine possession and lying to a police officer, we'd be walking away with probation? And such an outrageous lie, too. Forget about the part when she claimed it was a friend's stuff. I think most of us have used this excuse at one time or another.
But then she said she thought it was gum? Are you shitting me? Obviously, she hadn't had a snort lately or even her tiny coke-fueled brain could have come up with something better than that. Umm, I dunno...baking soda to keep her bag smelling fresh...baby powder to soothe her chafed cooch after going commando and dragging it across all those rich Corinthian leather seats...something? Anything?
(And did you see her reading her old jailhouse journal to Larry King? I think everyone who suffered through that interview deserves retribution. Might I suggest confinement to a dunk tank where citizens pay a dollar a ball to dunk her into a tank of her own cologne.)
Then there's Lindsay Lohan. Thank God we have Emma Stone, her talented doppelganger, to fill all our future Mean Girl needs. How many drug tests has Lindsay failed? What about the cute little F.U. on her fingernails when she was getting sentenced the first time? Of course she's taking this seriously.
Could we just take a little break from our national tea bagging dementia to consider why it is that celebrities do not serve their full (yet anemic) sentences? Overcrowding? I'd like to see one of us pull a DUI or flee a traffic accident and then get let out after 14 days due to crowding. "Oh, we have too many bad people in here! Let's let some out!"
In Lindsay's case, she didn't even fulfill her full stay at court-ordered post-prison rehab. She completed about a third. Hey, I'm sure she's all better now. See? US Weekly got a shot of her on her way into an AA meeting. Proof positive. I'm sure Lindsay is counting on this photo op to show the judge she's sorry she failed a drug test. Again. Maybe she'll have a more respectful manicure at the next hearing. Because this time she really gets it.
Personally, I think Lindsay is laboring under the delusion that she's Robert Downey Jr. when she's really Heidi Montag: a gruesome cautionary tale of what happens when the cameras are turned on and human beings become fodder for the 24 hour infotainment cycle.
I just may be onto something here. If celebrity comeuppance catches on, there will be even more to feed our television sets and satisfy our need for consequences. (Don't get uptight: I'm only talking about consequences for other people. Not us. Never us.) Then it will be in network programming executives' best interest to bring these photogenic felons to justice. Grab your cameras, FOX! This could be the most lucrative COPS episode ever!
Labels: celebrity, famous for nothing, kathcom, Lindsay Lohan, magick sandwich, Paris Hilton, stupid shit
