Today I declare my independence...from having to think of something new. A year ago, in desperate need of readers, I printed a copy of the following post and took it with me to a doctor's appointment.
Hey, everybody! Have you been struggling with what to get for those desperately unhappy people in your life? Why wait for an official holiday? (After all, they could be dead by then.) Sad, lonely people are grateful for the smallest gesture and may even feel a flicker of hope before their inexorable fall back into the bottomless pit of despair. Kudos to you, gift-giver!
The "I Wish I Were Dead" mug from theonion.com makes a lovely gift for a disillusioned coworker. And it's grammatically correct, so it's also a great gift for your insufferable ex-English major friends who'll probably live to a ripe old age because they can't finish editing their suicide notes.
What about a gift for that friend who is teetering on the edge, who hasn't fully submitted to dejection? The folks over at despair.com can help. They have a whole range of products that drive home the laughable futility of hope.
Finally, here's an honest fashion statement from our good friend Archie McPhee. Every time your loved one looks at his pristine wrist, he will be reminded of your generosity and his true outlook on life. Hopefully, it will at least get that yellow One Balled Bicyclist band off him for good! Just make sure it's taken off before cremation-- burning rubber is bad for the environment! Have a great day!
*****My doctor loved this so much, he used it at in a speech to third year residents at a medical conference. In case you haven't guessed by now, that doctor was my shrink. I had surmised that if anyone could appreciate gallows humor, it would be a mental health professional.It's a valuable thing to know one's audience, even the cheap, thieving variety. I'm not loony enough to want personal credit, but would a discounted visit kill the guy? (Then again, I could have a substantial fan base of giddily sleep-deprived doctors by now. Damn.)
I still print out my posts for him to read--on my dime, so who's the bozo?--and he recently said I should do stand-up. If I were ballsy enough to get up in front of a live audience and perform, what would I need him for? And if laughter is the best medicine, why do I need him at all?
More sound advice:
How to Piss Off a Vegan
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine's Day MassacreLabels: doctor, great gifts for depressed friends, humor, kathcom, magick sandwich, sarcasm, satire, shrink, therapy
